ENIGMA

acrylic on canvas
30” x 30”


Nov 2006 -Jan 2007 displayed at Baiti's Restaurant
36 Jalan Persiaran Zaaba, Taman Tun Dr Ismail, Kuala Lumpur.

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i can’t explain what it is that makes me feel this way, feel so trapped and chocked, smothered… when at the same time complaining of the distance. for the distance grows, almost, every day that passes and it seems as if i watch us slip like sand in my hand, falling through the creases of my fingers just as i try to hold tighter.

but just hold on… just be strong, be strong for us… just keep fighting… but it’s so hard to be so strong when so weak, it’s so hard to keep fighting when i wish it to just be. Why are we so different? Constant fighting for this to stay alive, through struggles that so many would not go through… why are we so different?

and so i seek to escape… i need to breathe… i need to think. for some reason, that seems rather hard lately. maybe because of your actions, your distance, your ignorance? i know not… all I know is that something feels different, something feels absent… and it pains me to be unable to place a finger upon it.

so i take to my bed… for in my mind, i’m so broken and there seems little else i can do. i wake from a short and troubled sleep… dreaming of you… but why!? why when i seek to escape you, you still linger on my mind, even my unconscious?

here she runs her hands over her face, up through her hair and letting out a quiet sigh.

i can’t stop thinking of you… i can’t stop thinking of the future that i wish to hold with you, when i can see you again. i remember… people said something about when people die, the best time of their life flashes before them… well it would be then for me too, for i had never spent so long in happiness, i’ve never felt like that before…

now she remembers him lying to her side… so she strokes the empty mattress, closing her eyes.

i know the distance is far… and it hurts me, it hurts me. and sometimes it seems like other things are more important, and i fall last on the list… yes, that may be true, and i should understand that, and i do… i know that you have higher priorities, and where you stand in life at this time, you should. but it hurts… it hurts knowing that… knowing how long i must wait for you… always waiting, always fighting…

…“but if you truly love someone… distance shouldn’t matter…”
…“you’re strong… you must be to withstand this…”
…“don’t do something you’ll regret… i don’t want anything to happen to you two…”

these words and many others echo through her mind, words of a stranger, and words from a dear friend.

i love him… i don’t want to lose him… i don’t want to give up the happiness that i know i can have… i don’t want to fight for this… but isn’t the fighting worth the prize in the end… for the prize is him… and i’ve waited so long for my knight in shining armour… it would just be foolish to throw it away…

a tear falls, trickling down her cheek in wounding pain.

…i can’t give up on this… i love him… i need him, i want him… i can’t imagine life without him… no, no, i can… and it’s a bitter and unhappy place where i wish to not exist… but maybe for now i just need some space…

she curls up against a pillow, remembering him there, letting her tears wash away the black streaks leaking from her eyes, wishing it were him, wishing he was here… then his words flash through her mind.

“…True love often isn’t easy…”

whatever it is my dear... you know who you are to me. my feelings towards you will never change. i will always love and care about you. maybe not here in this world but we will be reunite in the end at the other world. as for now, i will always pray for your happiness. no matter where you are and who are you with, you will always have a very special place in my heart and my soul.

Alias Yusof, thank you for everything.