TURMOIL

oil on canvas
36” x 48”

artwork submitted for Open Show 2008
to exhibit at Shah Alam Gallery, Yayasan Seni Selangor.

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Here i am again,
Thinking about myself, my life, my career and my all...

Suddenly,
Feeling so angry,
with everything that happened...
Be it within my control,
or not within my reach...

What am i made of?
Am i made from steel?
that can be so hard but melted with fire?

Why am i so hard?
So hard till i can't even understand,
How can i be so tough!
Is it from the learning curve experienced?
From broken home and broken hearts?

Why am i so fragile?
So sensitive over smallest thing!
Is it because i kept everything within myself?
Not letting anyone to share the burden?
Even when i did, i always ended up in disappointments...

Why am i so confuse?
So lost in my own world!
Is it because i have too many unanswered questions?
And no one care to understand the situation?

Why do i care so much?
As if i have nothing else better to do!
Is it because i want to feel important?
Or it makes me happy by making others happy?
A very close friend of mine used to call me CANDLE
i burnt myself just to see other happy...
But am i? Do i? Hmmm...

Why am i so difficult?
I'm not trying to be one!
But it seems like it is my middle name or something?
They think i enjoyed doing these?
Enjoyed making fun that involved my feelings?
They think i do it on purpose?
Purposely hurting myself?

Why am i not easy to love?
Cuz i know how much i can give,
And it can be very much and overflow.
So, it better be the one that i think deserve it
and fight their way to win my heart...

What will make my day?
Someone who can talk and listen
at the same wave length of mine,
A sincere smile, a genuine heart,
A warm hugs and lots of kisses...

Where will i be near future?
Will i be happy? Will i die in my other half's arms?
Will i be there for the one i love?
Will i hurt that person?
Can that person forgive me?

Do i deserve to be love?
I always think i will loves many people,
But they come and go,
I'll fills up the emptiness and the sense of longing,
Once they get their grips and starting the trips,
I'm long gone from their life!

Am i being punished for all the mistakes i have done?
If yes, for how long? How long more shall i go through this process?
If no, then why???

Why is it hard for me to love and be loved in returns?
Am i that bad till i don't deserved one?
Am i that difficult?
Like everybody claims!!!
Fuck them!!!

Sometimes, i just wish that i will just fade away!
Away from all this!
I wish i can say 'NO' to love,
I can ignore those feelings,
I won't fall and fall and fall in love
... and fell out of it!

So, NO MORE!
FUCK ALL THESE DOGSHIT!
It's too painful to face and go through it
Over and over again!...

So, to those out there!
Stay out from me!
I'm dangerous and mean...
Don't you ever come close to me
Cuz i don't think i need more than my family
I had ENOUGH!!!
And i always wonder and ponder
And keep wondering and pondering

... how does it feels to be different from me?

SEIZURE

mix media on canvas
40” x 30”

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Just Another Check Marks

It's funny to think that I used to believe those simple words.
the ones that take so much courage to say, so much assurance.
But when you said them, I believed them every time...
for I simply couldn't see, why you wouldn't love me???

So you spoke of such love, numerous times.
showing me in many ways, the truth of that simple sentence.
And I believed it. ...foolheartedly, I believed you.
For how could you hold this feeling you said you did...
when you could so easily turn away from me and cast me from your life.

A remnant of a relationship.

So I have been labeled, and anything with any connection to me.
Just say what you're thinking, then I know that you must be:
all of those regrets of being with me,
of experiences with me...
of ever meeting me,
talking to me,
holding me,
touching me...
'loving' me.

You're a coward...
and oh how I know your hate of cowards.
Funny how you can't see what you've become.

And so what if I've found someone new?
Dare you think me a slut? just because someone happened to make me happy,
because chance fell into my lap, and before I knew it I was not saddened by your absence...

Go, then.
Call me a slut, a whore, a wench, say all your horrid labels that you think I shall wear.
Hand me my scarlet letter, that you somehow think I should place upon my breast.

It all hurts.
Your loss hurts.
Your absence hurts.
Your regrets, your hate, your abandonment.
It all hurts.

Love...
You don't know what love is...
and maybe, you never did...

I'm happy now,
... without you.
All you are is another check mark to the list
of people with regrets of being with me.